Idealism

...suddenly has a totally different meaning.

I've been called an idealist before because I wanted to do so much, all at once.

Learn another foreign language (or five).

Create things that would change peoples hearts and minds.

Inspire them to love.

Learn to love better.

At my advising appointment this morning, my professor asked where I wanted to be in five years. And I... had... no... idea. Just fear.

Forget idealism, the only important thing about that word at the moment is that it's the opposite of materialism. That consciousness determines existence, as opposed to existence determining consciousness. Now that I'm actually weeks away from graduating, the furthest I can see myself is Christmas break. I don't even remember what my dreams are, I just want to be done.

I just want to have time to clean my room. Or cook my own food. Or fix my clothes or buy new clothes. Or actually talk to the people I live with and love.

This is the most awful paradox I've ever found myself in: I'm too busy studying how to understand people to love any of the people around me.

I really... really hope this is temporary.

-Katie